Christmas planning for separated dads

(That's Men column from The Irish Times Tuesday 8th November)
This is the time of year when separated parents need to consider how
to handle Christmas with their kids. Here are some tips which assume
the traditional arrangement, namely that the children live with the
mother:

Talk to your ex. Organising Christmas satisfactorily when people talk
to each other is difficult enough - if they fail to communicate at
all, it's likely to be a mess. If you and your ex are not on talking
terms, perhaps a mutual friend/relative could help. Do not use the
children as negotiators or go-betweens: they should not have to carry
this responsibility. And if at all possible, keep solicitors out of it
- little if any peace and goodwill can survive their incendiary
letters.

Work out the where, when and how. Can both parents be in the room when
the children open their Christmas presents? If not, when and how will
you give them their presents? Where will you meet them? If either or
both of you has a partner, will/should the partner be present? This
needs working out between you and it needs mutual respect in the
conversation.

It doesn't all have to happen on Christmas Day. If you can't be with
the children on Christmas Day, perhaps they can be with you on St
Stephen's Day. Perhaps the children might have a Christmas celebration
at your place before Christmas Day by agreement with the other parent.

Consider extended family. Grandparents matter to children so try to
arrange for them to see both sets of grandparents.

Avoid jealousy. If your child is living with half-siblings from your
ex's new relationship, could you include presents for these other
children as well? Children are children after all, and this could be a
smart move to help cement relationships all round.

Respect the live-in parent's opinions on presents. If you want to give
your child an iPhone 4s and the live-in parent thinks this is a bad
idea then it's important to respect the opinion of that parent and not
to undermine her. This is not a time for getting into a competition
with the other parent.

Consider what you can preserve from the past. If you recently
separated, think about what sort of activities the children are used
to at Christmas. How much of this could they still do with cooperation
between both parents? Visits to grandparents might form part of this
tradition, for instance.

What is the role of the new partner/partners? What involvement should
the new partners have in the planning? What involvement should they
have when you are with the kids on the day? Now may be a better time
to work this out than the 25th of December.

Consider the children's needs. Will coming to you completely disrupt
their Christmas because of distance, for instance? Will they have to
miss their Christmas play or some other important (to them) event? If
so, consider changing the arrangement to accommodate them.

If it all breaks down. If you simply cannot arrange to see the
children, think of sending cards and presents. Take care of yourself
on Christmas Day. There will be other days: keep yourself in good
shape for them.

I would like to acknowledge that some of the ideas in this article
came from the Family Mediation Service of the Family Support Agency
and others from the Equal Rights for Separated Dads website at
www.separateddads.co.uk It's an excellent website which I recommend to
separated dads (and mums).

I am sorry if any of what I have written here is patronising. I have
never been in the situation I am writing about and if I have struck
the wrong note with those who are living through it, that's why.

However, I am well aware that Christmas is an emotionally difficult
time for many separated parents. The key message is to start thinking
about and planning the Christmas arrangements right now - do not wait
until Christmas Week.

________________________________________________________
www.padraigomorain.com

No Irish Embassy in the Vatican? Yawn.

Oh Happy Days!

What I like most about the planned closure of the embassy in the
Vatican is the shrug of complacency with which the move has been
greeted. It's not just that the people no longer scurry or fawn at the
sight of a clerical collar - it's also that huge numbers of young
Irish people have no memory of that carry-on at all. Whatever you may say about the faults of today's society it is far better than what we have left behind in so many regards - and the closure of the embassy symbolises that sea-change.

Gilmore may claim that the move has nothing to do with the Vatican's
disgraceful response to child abuse in Ireland but there was a time
when we would have shut embassies to almost any other country to keep the Vatican presence. The decline of the Catholic Church in Ireland began, in my opinion, in the 1950s when the bishops opposed the introduction of free medical treatment for mothers and children.

The Church's reputation never really recovered though I doubt if, in their arrogance, the bishops saw that at the time. The closure of the Vatican Embassy brings the process of kow-towing to Church almost to an end.

19p for 16 paracetamol? Yes please!

During the summer I paid 19p for a packet of 16 paracetamol in a Tesco in Newcastle, England, ten times less than the cost in Ireland. So I'm ok with the chain's plans to compete with pharmacies in the Republic. Does it mean the end of the independent pharmacy? In many cases, yes, but this trend was already under way as big pharmacy chains bought single stores around the country.

In the grocery sector, the supermarkets wiped out many small shops but we now have thriving local stores operating under franchises such as Centra, Mace and Spar. In the pharmacy sector, chains such as Boots and McCabes are already on the scene and will be able to compete with Tesco. I also love the fact that Boots are competing with doctors by offering the morning after pill and flu injections.

As consumers in the medical field we deserve a break - maybe we're about to get it.

What Mary Davis and Gay Mitchell could learn form Rory McIlroy

When Rory McIlroy blew it at the Masters six months ago he was gracious in defeat - through his attitude, he made friends, not enemies: that's why we can all be delighted at his mega-win in Shanghai at the weekend. We like graciousness in defeat. That's why Mary Davis and Gay Mitchell will be remembered for their failure to show up when Michael D's victory in the presidential campaign was finally announced. They thought it was all over when the votes were counted but it wasn't. There was still the matter of how they would handle defeat and in that failure they added one defeat on top of another. We didn't coin phrases like 'bad loser' and 'gracious in defeat' for nothing and they would have done well to remember that.

I don't love myself and that's ok

This concept of self-love is alien to me

PADRAIG O'MORAIN

The Irish Times 18th October 2011

THAT'S MEN : I DON'T LOVE myself. Never have, never will – and it doesn't bother me in the least.
The thought struck me for the first time last week when I eavesdropped on two women on the bus, tearing an
absent colleague to shreds (a pleasure I realised I have greatly missed since I began to work from home).
The colleague had many faults, ranging from not having a clue how to do his job (from which I deduce that he was a manager) to sporting a suspect head of hair which his critics believe may be dyed.
Note, by the way, that men "dye" their hair which they are then supposed to wear as a badge of shame, while women get a "colour" in their hair and bask in the admiration of everyone in the vicinity.
Of all his faults, though, one in particular stood out: "He just loves himself. Oh, he loves himself. He thinks he's the greatest thing ever," one declared. "He'd sicken ya," her companion chimed in.
That was it – his besetting sin, the one from which, judging by the scorn in their voices, there could be no coming back.
It was when I was thinking over that episode later that I had my realisation: if these harridans ever accuse me of loving myself they'll be sorely mistaken because I don't.
In certain quarters, loving yourself is seen as a prerequisite for happiness. Moreover, if you don't love yourself you can't love anyone else, we are told.
Tosh and nonsense. I have encountered many people whose love for others is undiminished by the fact that they don't love themselves.
Indeed, up to the later part of the 20th century, people would have looked at you as though you were mad if you announced that you loved yourself. When I was growing up in the 1950s and 1960s, self-love was not a concept we heard about.
Still, my new realisation that I did not love myself surprised me. Why had I never thought of it before? Is it because I grew up at a time when people didn't think about such things? Or could it be that self-love isn't, in fact, a prerequisite for a satisfactory life?
Whatever the answer, what most surprised me about the realisation was that it seemed to matter so little.
When I say I don't love myself, does that mean I hate myself? Not at all. I even like myself a lot of the time.
I look on myself as a sort of butler to myself. A butler who has stayed in the job for a long time has grown, I imagine, to have a tolerant affection for his master who still annoys him intensely from time to time, but who has sufficient good points to keep the relationship going. That is where I stand in relation to myself.
That will do.
Addendum: What a pity we have lost our ability to express joy physically in everyday life – or, more likely, have lost permission to do so.
At the official opening recently of an extended facility for Enable Ireland in Crumlin, Dublin, we all stood or sat to listen to a choir who had come in from the nearby Rosary College.
What took my attention, and that of some of the members of the choir, was a man who moved to the music as he sat, not just listening but expressing his joy. He simply allowed the vivacity of the choir to flow through him.
It was great to see the joy of the occasion put into movement – after all, there is much to be joyful about when you see a service like Enable Ireland expanding a facility in these times.
But what, I wondered, has happened to us as humans that a person expressing joy on a joyful occasion should be noticeable? Are we losing the connection with the natural flow of our feelings? And where does that leave us?

Parade children in a secret location to deter perverts? Don't make me laugh.

Here's a novel idea: hold a children's beauty contest in a secret location to thwart perverts. I'd laugh if I wasn't so pissed off. It's not the absurdity of holding holding children's beauty pageants that pisses me off; nor the nonsense of holding them in a secret place (if you're that worried about attracting pedophiles don't hold the bloody contest in the first place); nor even the whole questionable business of having children keep the whole thing secret from their friends (which I assume they will have to do if it's all to be 'our little secret.')

What pisses me off is the reported declaration by organiser Stephanie Murphy that everybody who has anything to do with the event such as jewellery sellers (jewellery sellers?), photographers etc must be Garda vetted. This pisses me off because Garda vetting takes about three months (ridiculous but that's another story). In the queue for vetting are child care agencies and other bodies working with children who cannot take on staff until they have been vetted. Frankly their work matters a great deal more than Ms Murphy's distasteful nonsense - and it sickens me that these workers have to stand in line with Ms Murphy's jewellery sellers.

Garda vetting is a scarce resource - it shouldn't be but it is. I resent seeing that scarce resource wasted on these idiotic pageants and for that reason I wish Ms Murphy would find something better to do with her energy. Read the whole story here.

Sense of self destroyed by control freaks - The Irish Times - Tue, May 04, 2010

Sense of self destroyed by control freaks - The Irish Times - Tue, May 04, 2010

Unmasking the daddy of control freaks - The Irish Times - Tue, Apr 27, 2010

Unmasking the daddy of control freaks - The Irish Times - Tue, Apr 27, 2010